I’M CLAZY

552b30037daa5

I’M CLAZY

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        Hi. I’m Fang Jiang. No wonder I go by “Ginger” here in the United States, our new home.

        My ancestors must be so depressed with me. But even God is not permitted to mess with Free Will in the United States. If not for my American cousin, Cathay, I wouldn’t have dared to be so independent. I was only a young girl when my family arrived from the People’s Republic of China.

        My cousin Cathay is tall and curvy, bred in the United States. Cathay’s mom is Chinese and her father is a Swede. How did her mom survive without cracking in half, having sex with her big Swedish husband and then giving birth to long tall Cathay?

        Cathay makes the Chinese boys starve. American boys, too.

        Me, I’m born in China and so I’m thin and no butt. If we weren’t cousins I don’t know how I would ever have hung around with someone like Cathay. Oh, yeah, Cathay’s name was her father’s joke, a pun of “Cathy” and the European poetic name of China “Cathay”.

        Cathay is so cool. She used to make her dates show up at my stand-up comedy night gigs at “open mike”. My comedy routine was brutal at first but Cathay supported me and she would laugh and her boyfriend would be obliged to laugh.

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Why is there no Disneyland in China?

  • No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

非常有趣

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How do you blind a Chinese woman?

  • You put a windshield in front of her.

非常有趣

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        Chinese daughters are supposed to be perfect daughters. It became depressing here right away. First generation is supposed to become the image of American success; supposed to forget the problems of the family. My parents still work without stopping. “Girls don’t hang out, party” or do the kinds of things American teenagers want to do.

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What did the Chinese father tell his daughter?

  • Girls must get three rings: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

非常有趣

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        In America, like any new culture, you give up the past. I feel new. But I feel guilty, too.

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How does every joke start in the Peoples’ Republic of China?

  • By looking over your shoulder.

非常有趣

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        Our uncle Jianguo still remained in the People’s Republic of China. He was a rich banker. But he lived frugally while he paid selflessly for members of our families to leave to America.

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What do you call a Chinese banker?

  • Cha Ching!

非常有趣

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        Cathay and I nick-named dear uncle Jianguo “The General” because he was a family patriarch, firm, traditional, few words, sternly affirming virtue of respect for one’s father, elders, and ancestors, and dedication to the family above the individual.

        One day Cathay called me, crying, sobbing, “Jianguo has been arrested for embezzlement!”

        I could not believe it. Cathay told me that he had embezzled money to afford so much for sending our families to America.

        Cathay contacted everyone. We all gave money to replace the great sum that dear uncle Jianguo had embezzled. The Peoples’ Republic of China accepted the money and more.

        Then they executed our dear uncle Jianguo anyway, as a lesson to others.

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What do you call an executed Chinese banker?

  • On his best behavior

非常有趣

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