mentally ill bro

“This place is heaven!”

“Yeah, China Diamond Palace Buffet has everything.  Remember: I’m paying.”

“Oh, you won’t forget.”

“I see you got your usual fried calamari and your usual creamed corn.  What kind of soup is that?”

“Oh, I chunked-up some salmon filets into the Sweet and Sour Soup.”

“Yuck, I can barely stand the smell of sea food.”

“I know.  You tell me every time.  Well, I see you’re sticking with your Biscuits and Gravy.  We could have just gone to Denny’s.”

“Hey, I didn’t have to invite you, you know.  I’m paying.”

“Oh, I’m only kidding, come on.”

“You still make fun of me.”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything.  I’ll try to control myself.”

“Mom and Dad got tired of telling you.”

“Well, I got tired of Mom always taking your side, never preparing you to be on your own.  She wasn’t doing you any favors, believe me.  She didn’t let Dad say anything to you, either.”

“Dad said he was disappointed in you, not in me.”

“Well, they punished me good.  They left half the money from the house to you and one quarter each to Melanie and me when it was sold.”

“Mom wanted me to have the house.  She told me.”

“Uh, just how were you going to keep the house, again?  Your Government Disability would have been cut off if you owned a house.  And you have no other income.”

“I told people at church that you and Melanie were trying to take the house from me.  They told me to get a lawyer.”

“You never told those busy-bodies the whole story.  Uncle Harold was the Executor and he must have explained it to you a hundred times.  How much did you waste on that lawyer?”

“Uncle Harold did not do what Mom wanted him to do.  Mom told me that I was going to get the house!  I never liked Uncle Harold.”

“Mom always protected you and let you do anything you wanted.  She felt terribly guilty because a child out of wedlock was a big deal for that generation.  Your real father disappeared.  Dad was amazing to marry Mom.  You were a fucking retard.”

“Dad never did anything against me.  It was you and Melanie and Uncle Harold.”

“Mom wouldn’t let him!”

“Dad was so disappointed in you, he told me.  You were always in trouble and you were into drugs.”

“Listen, you freak, I always admired Dad.  He was my hero.  All I ever wanted was his respect.  So fuck you.”

“Excuse me, but I thought you just said that you were going to control yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s not fight about old shit.  Uh, sorry.”

“My minister said that…”

“Your minister just wants you to keep spending your inheritance on ‘donated’ bibles ‘with your name in them’ and new podiums, new microphones, and anything else that he can con you out of.  Don’t you get it?  Damn it.  So much for church.”

“Dad and Minister Rob prayed for you when you were on drugs.  Minister Rob said that we should still Love you.  You don’t know how hard that was.”

“Fuck Love.”

“That’s why Dad used to beat you!  Stop saying that.  Don’t you believe that Love is the most powerful thing in the world?”

“No.  No I don’t.  Forgiveness is.  We are all just trained animals.  There is no God!  We are always going to be cruel and selfish.  We need to step up and be God.  We tell ourselves that we are so special, so different; the “Crown of Creation”.  Bullshit.  We need to face our horrible savage lives with a shield of Forgiveness.”

“How can you say that there is no God?  I’m going to make you go back.  Are you forgetting that you are dead?!”

“No, no, but you only ‘invite’ me to have dinner with you on the anniversary of my death! You’re the one who got my share of the inheritance when I OD’d.  Maybe you feel guilty?”

“I don’t have to listen to this!  You go to Hell.”

“Sorry, there is no Hell.  There is no…”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!  You go back right now!”

“…and there is no Heaven.  And there is no God!”

“Get out of here!”

“See you next year, freak show.”



Good.  He disappeared again.  I hate him.  He always starts an argument and now everybody in the restaurant is looking at me.  How embarrassing.  He always embarrasses me.  Next year I am NOT inviting him to dinner!






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