REVELATION 3:16

My healthcare provider emailed me a link to a new program called Health and Longevity, asking me to Beta-Test it if I would so care to help.

Here it is.  Nice website.  It is asking me to answer some questions and then it will reveal statistically … Oh… How long statistically I will live.

Why not.  How can I resist?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Jeez.  Looks depressing when I actually face… type it.  Well, Beatles, do you still need me?

DO YOU DRINK?

Not really.  I mean, there’s nothing like ice cold beer on a hot day.  Or a sip of Jack on a cold day.  That’s not really drinking.

DO YOU SMOKE?

Not really.  Cigars aren’t like cigarettes.  I only smoke when The Katman gives me free ones.  Avantis don’t really count… that’s just for the long drive to and from work.  Sometimes lunch.  I can live without cigars.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE SEX?

What’s sex? Ha, ha.  Does porn count?  Ha, ha.  Well, our society is oversexed.  So what if… I mean I AM a married adult… that’s normal.  Right?

DID YOU VOTE FOR OBAMA?

Oh, hell, please…

THANK YOU.

(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM

What? (It’s 2:55PM now)

Is this a fucking joke?!

I’m changing all my answers to the opposite.
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(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM

I’m calling these fuckers.
[Hello.  Listen.  I just used your..Health and Longevity Beta-Test and it said “YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM”.  What the f… No, I am absolutely serious.  What diff… Fine, it’s 3674-7799.  Yes.  Yes.  Of course.  Oh, you don’t see?  Well I see.  Yes.  No.  Oh, great.  I feel so well now!  Oh, fuck your website.  Yeah?  I’m filing a complaint!  Well, thanks!  Fuck you, too! ]

What the fuck.  Some healthcare.  Assholes.  (It’s 3:11 PM!)
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3:12PM
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3:13PM
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What is wrong with me?  It’s just a fucked-up government website.  My tax dollars at jerk.
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3:14PM
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This must be a sick joke.  It will probably pop-up some “gotcha” message like “See?  Change your ways” or, or… Oh, shit, I feel funny… Oh come on, get ahold of… My mouth is dry… Oh, God, God…
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(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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THAT WAS NOT FUNNY, KEVIN.  YOU ARE SICK.

HEY.  MY SIMULATOR TEST DEVICE WORKED PERFECTLY.  STD.  GET IT?

IT WAS CRUEL!

IT’S ONLY A FUCKING A-I PROGRAM FOR FUCK SAKE.  RELAX.  GO SAVE A CAT OR SOMETHING.

YOU TORMENTED AN INTELLIGENCE.  EVEN IF IT IS “ARTIFICIAL”.  IT’S WRONG.  IT’S LIKE PULLING THE WINGS OFF OF A BUTTERFLY.

OH, PLEASE!  BY THE WAY, THEN IT WOULD BE A BUTTER-WALK!  GET IT?

YOU ARE SICK!  I SPIT ON YOU!

HEY, TO THAT INTELLIGENCE I’M HIS GOD!

RIGHT!  YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
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