REVELATION 3:16
My healthcare provider emailed me a link to a new program called Health and Longevity, asking me to Beta-Test it if I would so care to help.
Here it is. Nice website. It is asking me to answer some questions and then it will reveal statistically … Oh… How long statistically I will live.
Why not. How can I resist?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Jeez. Looks depressing when I actually face… type it. Well, Beatles, do you still need me?
DO YOU DRINK?
Not really. I mean, there’s nothing like ice cold beer on a hot day. Or a sip of Jack on a cold day. That’s not really drinking.
DO YOU SMOKE?
Not really. Cigars aren’t like cigarettes. I only smoke when The Katman gives me free ones. Avantis don’t really count… that’s just for the long drive to and from work. Sometimes lunch. I can live without cigars.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE SEX?
What’s sex? Ha, ha. Does porn count? Ha, ha. Well, our society is oversexed. So what if… I mean I AM a married adult… that’s normal. Right?
DID YOU VOTE FOR OBAMA?
Oh, hell, please…
THANK YOU.
(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM
What? (It’s 2:55PM now)
Is this a fucking joke?!
I’m changing all my answers to the opposite.
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(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM
I’m calling these fuckers.
[Hello. Listen. I just used your..Health and Longevity Beta-Test and it said “YOU WIIL DIE AT 3:16 PM”. What the f… No, I am absolutely serious. What diff… Fine, it’s 3674-7799. Yes. Yes. Of course. Oh, you don’t see? Well I see. Yes. No. Oh, great. I feel so well now! Oh, fuck your website. Yeah? I’m filing a complaint! Well, thanks! Fuck you, too! ]
What the fuck. Some healthcare. Assholes. (It’s 3:11 PM!)
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3:12PM
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3:13PM
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What is wrong with me? It’s just a fucked-up government website. My tax dollars at jerk.
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3:14PM
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This must be a sick joke. It will probably pop-up some “gotcha” message like “See? Change your ways” or, or… Oh, shit, I feel funny… Oh come on, get ahold of… My mouth is dry… Oh, God, God…
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(beep)
(beep)
(boop)
(beep)
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THAT WAS NOT FUNNY, KEVIN. YOU ARE SICK.
HEY. MY SIMULATOR TEST DEVICE WORKED PERFECTLY. STD. GET IT?
IT WAS CRUEL!
IT’S ONLY A FUCKING A-I PROGRAM FOR FUCK SAKE. RELAX. GO SAVE A CAT OR SOMETHING.
YOU TORMENTED AN INTELLIGENCE. EVEN IF IT IS “ARTIFICIAL”. IT’S WRONG. IT’S LIKE PULLING THE WINGS OFF OF A BUTTERFLY.
OH, PLEASE! BY THE WAY, THEN IT WOULD BE A BUTTER-WALK! GET IT?
YOU ARE SICK! I SPIT ON YOU!
HEY, TO THAT INTELLIGENCE I’M HIS GOD!
RIGHT! YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
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