MY FUCKIT LIST
In the mirror I am old.
In my head the same light comes on that always has. The difference is that now when I awaken I am disappointed that this is no longer a dream. I lie in bed in the cold morning and I wonder how I am going to be sorry today.
Every solution is the next problem.
So while I lie in bed, in order to gather steam to get out of bed, I go over my Fuckit List.
First on my Fuckit List is my former “Bucket List” of things to do in my lifetime.
Things like “see the world”. Fuck it. People are the same everywhere. Soon annoying. And I saw a version of myself one day in a café. He was boring his acquaintances with tales of his recent travels. No one cares unless they were there with you.
Things like “get a great job”. Fuck it. They pay you because it sucks. If it was fun you would have to pay them. I spent years as an idealist in Management. The cartoon character Dilbert said it best when he said something like “It is all about artificial challenges created by bad management”. No wonder they’ve exported the middle-class to China.
Things like “have lots of friends”. Fuck it. People who don’t have money need “friends”. But I don’t ever want to “reminisce” about how good the good ol’ days never were. I say that you don’t really need friends unless you are exploring something new. I can’t afford anything new.
Things like “get a good education”. Fuck it. I should have gotten an Associate in Arts Degree from a Junior College. Then I should have gotten a government job. Then I should have put every penny I could into the diversified stock market. Then I could have retired at fifty. Now I can’t afford to retire. I’ll be working my job until they kick me out or I start wetting myself at those long meetings.
And look at the liberal news media this morning. Look at this. I say: Want to win the War on Drugs? Kill the customers.
I’ve been divorced three times. Avoid the legal-system in any form (and that includes all of The Government). It is a slow meat grinder that feeds to lawyers and to bureaucrats the bloody shreds of your precious time and money.
And why would anyone want to get married if they weren’t dumb enough to want children? No, thanks.
That’s why God invented hookers.
Loneliness is highly underrated.
Fuck it. I still met a woman. She had as much baggage as I did so we both agreed never to talk about it. Try to have a good time, we kept saying to each other. Not a good sign.
Well, this morning I got up early and made myself my usual breakfast of black coffee and dry toast. Problem was I got sucked into my iPhone editing my blog posts.
I never noticed her apartment filling with smoke from the burning toast. She screamed and yelled and she panicked and then she called me a zombie.
Now we are toast.
Now I’m sleeping in my truck in the parking lot of the library. Why the fuck are there still libraries? So losers like me who have “checked out” of their lives can sleep in their cars where no one cares?
Why the fuck do I have to wake up?
I did enjoy writing this.
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But, the most ancient scrolls are kept on: THE TABLE OF MALCONTENTS