THE ANGELIC POSITION AND THE MANNER OF SERPENTS

  angelic position

        In Third Heaven where the River of Milk meets the Land of Honey grows the Tree of Knowledge.

 

Eve gently hoes the soil around the roots of the Tree of Knowledge.  Adam waters the Tree of Knowledge with wine.

 

Hidden behind the Unburnt Bush is Azrael, the Archangel of Death.  He spies upon Eve and Adam.

 

Azrael is startled suddenly as the Serpent appears beside him.

 

Azrael warns the Serpent, “I’ve told you for aeons not to do that!”

 

The Serpent asks Azrael, “Business slow?  Why are you watching those two miscreants?”

 

Azrael looks back at Eve and Adam and asks the Serpent, “Why does Big Joe need day-laborers like them to tend the Tree of Knowledge?”

 

The Serpent asks Azrael, “Where is Big Joe anyway?”

 

Azrael replies, “It’s the Seventh Day. He has a time-share in First Heaven with Lucifer.  You can imagine the gossip about that!”

 

The Serpent says, “So now I sssssseee!  Big Joe can get Eve and Adam to toil on the Seventh Day while He and Lucifer play dice with the Universe!”

 

Azrael says slyly, “I’ll wager they play more than dice,” and Azrael wags his level hand side-to-side.

 

The Serpent hisses, “No, do you really think so…?”

 

Azrael shrugs and watches Eve and Adam and then Azrael asks the Serpent, “Nachash, did you know that Big Joe has called those two field-hands His ‘Crown of Creation’?”

 

The Serpent hisses in disbelief.

 

Azrael says, “That’s what I heard.”

 

The Serpent says, “This could get Apocalyptic.  We need to do something about Eve and Adam quick.”

 

Azrael says, “Well, Nachash, I have been giving it thought and I have a Revelation.”

 

The Serpent nods and wiggles, “Well, go on!”

 

Azrael says, “My plan won’t work without you, Nachash.”

 

The Serpent says, “I’m down!”

 

Azrael whispers to the Serpent, “Now listen carefully…,” and Azrael weaves his plot into the ear holes of the Serpent.

 

A few minutes later the Serpent appears at Eve’s feet as she gently hoes the soil around the Tree of Knowledge.

 

The Serpent says, “Hello, my name is Nachash.  You must be new here.”

 

Eve smiles, “Oh, hello.  I’m Eve.  Yes, Adam and I just got here yesterday.”

 

The Serpent says, “I just wanted to welcome you two here in Third Heaven.”

 

Eve smiles, “How thoughtful.  Thank you.”

 

The Serpent casually looks around and asks, “Where is Adam, by the way?  I’d love to say hello.”

 

Eve looks around and shrugs.  The Serpent sways in rhythm to Eve’s breasts.

 

Eve says, “He was watering the Tree of Knowledge a minute ago.  He’s probably off naming the animals again.”

 

The Serpent asks Eve, “Did I detect a little disappointment in your voice?”

 

Eve sighs and replies, “Adam has been spending a lot of time lately with his animals.  Naming them was just a hobby at first…”

 

The Serpent finishes for Eve, saying, “…but now it is like he is ignoring you?”

 

Eve’s lip quivers and she says, “Yes.  It’s almost like he is bored with me already.”

 

The Serpent says, “Well, one Day is a long time.  I’ve seen it before.”

 

Eve asks, “What should I do?”

 

The Serpent asks,  “If I may,” and he slithers up Eve’s leg, across her thighs, up her belly, over her breasts, his tongue darting constantly, and finally whisssssspers into her ear.

 

Meanwhile, Azrael is conversing with Adam, saying, “Oh, I understand, believe me, being with the same woman for a whole Day is not easy.  I’ll bet she isn’t thrilled with you spending all your spare time naming the animals.”

 

Adam stops and turns his head to Azrael and says, “Exactly!  How did you know?”

 

Azrael replies, “Oh, I’ve had to end a few relationships in my aeons.”

 

Adam adds, “It’s my hobby!  It relaxes me.”

 

Azrael says, “Oh, I know all about relaxing, believe me, and I am behind you.  But…”

 

Adam asks, “But what?”

 

Azrael says, “Wehhhhhl, Adam, it’s like this: you can take all the time with your animals that you want to take as long as…”

 

Adam asks impatiently,  “Yes?  As long as what?”

 

And Azrael begins to pour his plan into the ears of Adam.

 

Azrael and the Serpent meet again behind the Unburnt Bush and spy as Eve gently hoes the soil around the roots of the Tree of Knowledge and Adam waters the Tree of Knowledge with wine.

 

The Serpent smiles when Eve begins to exaggerate her swiveling hips as she bends over and hoes.

 

Azrael smiles as Adam looks at Eve’s swiveling apples.

 

Adam takes a swig of the wine with which he was watering the Tree of Knowledge.  Adam wipes his lips with the back of his hand.  He begins to leer at Eve’s forbidden fruit.

 

Adam embraces Eve from behind.  He whispers into her ear, “I shall name it ‘pussy’,” as he enters her sacred temple.  The temple dogs howl.

 

Suddenly the Veil is lifted in a cataclysm of light.

 

Big Joe bellows, “What!?  The Fuck!?”

 

 

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The rest of this tale you already have been told  missionary style.

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But, the most ancient scrolls are kept on: THE TABLE OF MALCONTENTS

 

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