THE CARROT AND THE STICKUP
Bugs Bunny is my hero. I wish I could say he was my role-model but he is not; he is my exact opposite. That is why I love him.
Bugs Bunny is “self-assured, nonchalant, imperturbable, contemplative, plays it cool, but can get hot under the collar. And above all he’s a very ‘aware’ character. Well aware that he is appearing in an animated cartoon”.
Last night after work I was tired. I was sitting on the couch hunched over my netbook that was set upon my plastic storage bin “coffee table”. I was working on my first play, entitled The Fourth Wall. I hit a wall in the plot and I leaned back, lighted up a quick-smoke cigar, clutched the TV remote and found the cable cartoon channel on the big flat screen TV upon the wall.
A Bugs Bunny Marathon.
I said to the TV, “Uh-oh. My writing might be over for the night.”
Bugs Bunny turned to face me and he said, “You should live so long as to finish that play.”
I was incredulous. I stammered, “Bugs, are, are you Jewish?”
Bugs said, “Oy! No. My father was “Bugs” Hardaway, from Texas. Are there Jews in Texas?”
I couldn’t understand the question so Bugs told me, “My father did work in California for Leon Schlesinger.”
I shook my head rapidly to clear my mind. I heard pattering all around and I stopped shaking my head and I opened my eyes to see carrots scattering and rolling around me.
Bugs said, “I like how you think,” and then he clambered out of my TV and he said, “But I don’t care much for your personal hygiene.”
Bugs collected a fistful of carrots and then he bit into one as he peered over my netbook screen, looking upside down at what I had written.
Bugs asked, “What’s up, Doc?”
I said, “I’m writing a play. It’s called The Fourth Wall.”
Bugs smacked, “Oh, yeah, I get it. You as the audience are the fourth wall of the stage. Well…Hey, Doc, what’d yah say yer name was?”
I said, “They call me ASH.”
Bugs continued, “Well, ASS, here’s the thing: If you are the “Fourth Wall” then who are THEY!” and he startled me as he pointed up toward YOU!
I cowered on the couch and I started to shake and to cry tears of terror, saying, “Oh, my dear God, THOSE are blog readers?!”
Bugs was instantly sitting beside me, wearing a dress and makeup and cradling me. He stared up at YOU calmly and smacked, “Aw, c’mon, ASS, that one there ain’t so bad. I seen worse.”
I hid my face in his furry neck and I whimpered, “Make them go away!”
Bugs cooed at me, “There, there, sweet ASS. Your writing is doing that.”
I looked up into his face and I asked, “Bugs, why are you in drag?”
Bugs smacked sweetly, “Silly ASS, I’m Hollywood’s original Drag Queen,” and then he scowled down into my face and asked, “You don’t have a carrot up your ass about that, do you?”
I shook my head quickly and said, “No. No.”
More carrots fell from my ears.
Bugs picked up one of the carrots and he held it like a dagger. Raising it behind me he asked, “Would you like one?”
I awoke on my couch screaming, “No!!”
But I was sitting on the TV remote.
On the TV screen the channel was flicking between the Bugs Bunny Marathon and the Hollywood Halloween Parade.
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But, the most ancient scrolls are kept on: THE TABLE OF MALCONTENTS