carrot and stickup


        Bugs Bunny is my hero.  I wish I could say he was my role-model but he is not; he is my exact opposite.  That is why I love him.

        Bugs Bunny is “self-assured, nonchalant, imperturbable, contemplative, plays it cool, but can get hot under the collar.  And above all he’s a very ‘aware’ character.  Well aware that he is appearing in an animated cartoon”.

        Last night after work I was tired.  I was sitting on the couch hunched over my netbook that was set upon my plastic storage bin “coffee table”.  I was working on my first play, entitled The Fourth Wall.  I hit a wall in the plot and I leaned back, lighted up a quick-smoke cigar, clutched the TV remote and found the cable cartoon channel on the big flat screen TV upon the wall.

        A Bugs Bunny Marathon.

        I said to the TV, “Uh-oh.  My writing might be over for the night.”

        Bugs Bunny turned to face me and he said, “You should live so long as to finish that play.”

        I was incredulous.  I stammered, “Bugs, are, are you Jewish?”

        Bugs said, “Oy!  No.  My father was “Bugs” Hardaway, from Texas.  Are there Jews in Texas?”

        I couldn’t understand the question so Bugs told me, “My father did work in California for Leon Schlesinger.”

        I shook my head rapidly to clear my mind.  I heard pattering all around and I stopped shaking my head and I opened my eyes to see carrots scattering and rolling around me.

        Bugs said, “I like how you think,” and then he clambered out of my TV and he said, “But I don’t care much for your personal hygiene.”

        Bugs collected a fistful of carrots and then he bit into one as he peered over my netbook screen, looking upside down at what I had written.

        Bugs asked, “What’s up, Doc?”

        I said, “I’m writing a play.  It’s called The Fourth Wall.”

        Bugs smacked, “Oh, yeah, I get it.  You as the audience are the fourth wall of the stage.  Well…Hey, Doc, what’d yah say yer name was?”

        I said, “They call me ASH.”

        Bugs continued, “Well, ASS, here’s the thing:  If you are the “Fourth Wall” then who are THEY!” and he startled me as he pointed up toward YOU!

        I cowered on the couch and I started to shake and to cry tears of terror, saying, “Oh, my dear God, THOSE are blog readers?!”

        Bugs was instantly sitting beside me, wearing a dress and makeup and cradling me.  He stared up at YOU calmly and smacked, “Aw, c’mon, ASS, that one there ain’t so bad.  I seen worse.”

        I hid my face in his furry neck and I whimpered, “Make them go away!”

        Bugs cooed at me, “There, there, sweet ASS.  Your writing is doing that.”

        I looked up into his face and I asked, “Bugs, why are you in drag?”

        Bugs smacked sweetly, “Silly ASS, I’m Hollywood’s original Drag Queen,” and then he scowled down into my face and asked, “You don’t have a carrot up your ass about that, do you?”

        I shook my head quickly and said, “No. No.”

        More carrots fell from my ears.

        Bugs picked up one of the carrots and he held it like a dagger.  Raising it behind me he asked, “Would you like one?”

        I awoke on my couch screaming, “No!!”

        But I was sitting on the TV remote.

        On the TV screen the channel was flicking between the Bugs Bunny Marathon and the Hollywood Halloween Parade.




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But, the most ancient scrolls are kept on: THE TABLE OF MALCONTENTS



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