THE JERRY SLITHER SHOW!

jerry slither

THE JERRY SLITHER SHOW!

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“On in 3, 2, 1…”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling, chanting)

“Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!…”

[Ssibelius, The Announcer, stage right]

“It’s time again for the Jerry Slither Sshow!  Now, from East Eden Sstudios, it’s Jerry!”

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“Cue the Studio Band”

(The Rad Rattlers, an all Black Snake ensemble, shakes and rattles and rolls on their assortment of rattlesnake tails)

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“Cue Jerry on 3, 2, 1…”

(The host Jerry Slither whips onto stage center and the audience wildly hissessss.  Jerry does his signature mock Cobra dance and the audience laughssss.)

[Jerry Slither]

“Ssssalutations everyone.  What a great audience.  Hey, I know that you are all up on current hisssstory, right?  What a great audience.  Well, have you heard that East Eden has rattle-fied ‘Same Sex Mating’?  When it passed there was one great ‘Hith’.

[Audience]

(Scattered hissing, groaning)

[Jerry Slither, wincing and laughing]

“OK, don’t give up on me yet.  We have a great show tonight.  Right, Ssibelius?”

[Ssibelius, The Announcer, stage right]

“You are ssssssssssssssssssssso right, Jerry!  Possibly one of our greatest shows ever!”

[Jerry Slither, stifling a laugh]

“Let’s just pretend that’s true.”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling, chanting)

“Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!…”

(Jerry does his signature mock Cobra dance and the audience laughssss.)

[Jerry Slither]

“Snakettes and Snakesters, this is no joke.  Tonight’s guest is none other than The Mother of All Life, The Woman of The Apocalypse!  Yessssssss, Eve Adams is here and will be out with us in just moments.”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“Cue the Studio Band”

(The Rad Rattlers shakes and rattles and rolls on their assortment of rattlesnake tails)

[Commercial Break]

“Males, are you just not coiling the way you used to?  You don’t have to lie across the road!  Vipergra can wind-up your spring again.  Don’t just lie there!  Scute, don’t meander, to your doctor and ask him if Vipergra is right for you.  Use the key word ‘Jerry’ and get a ssssssssssubstantial rebate!”

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“Back on in 3, 2, 1..”

[Jerry Slither]

(Now coiled on the Host’s Desk)

“We are back and not a minute too soon for this audience.”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling, chanting)

“Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!…”

[Jerry Slither]

“Keep your skins on.  Here she is.  Every Male’s first love, Every Female’s first role model, Every Child’s first mother:  Eeeeeeeeeve Aaaaaaadams!”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

(The Rad Rattlers shakes and rattles and rolls on their assortment of rattlesnake tails)

[Eve]

(Eve Adams strides onstage swaying her hips with every step.  She is naked with long blonde hair cascading in a golden torrent from her head.  Her long blonde legs flash their identical tattoos of a snake coiling around and up her leg and its head stopping short of her Brazilian runway with their forked tongue each reaching for her landing strip)

[Jerry Slither]

“Mercssssssssssssy, Eve!  You look fabuloussssss.  It‘s like you never left The Garden.  Except for those fabuloussssss tattoosssssss.  You can bite my apple anytime!”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Eve]

(She sits slowly onto the Guest Chair, crossing her long blonde legs high on her lap, a pretense of demure that only makes prominent the apple of her buttocks and her long thighs.)

(Looking out at the audience toward Camera One she smiles and speaks in a sultry Southern accent.)

“Why, thank you so very much, Jerry.  You are always so sweet.  I have missed you so.”

[Jerry Slither]

“It has been awhile hasn’t it?  Newton didn’t suffer this much after sitting under the apple tree, now did he?”

[Eve]

“It is so very unfair, Jerry.  I want your audience to know that you were always a perfect gentleman.  It was all just a terrible misunderstanding.”

[Jerry Slither]

“A culinary malfunction.”

[Eve]

“I just don’t see what the Big Fuss is, now do you?  I mean, one teeny bite.  That apple was dry and mealy anyway.  Knowledge of Good and Evil is highly overrated anyhow, don’t you think?”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Jerry Slither]

“I agree.  Free will is a sham.  Wasn’t it Free Will when you took that teeny bite of that old dry apple?  Doesn’t His Majesty work either choice you make to His own will?”

[Eve]

“It’s just like I always said……”

(Long expectant silence from everyone.)

[Jerry Slither]

(Prompting Eve)

“Yes, It’s jusssst like you always sssaid….?”

[Eve]

“That’s right.”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Jerry Slither]

(Shakes his head and continues)

“Well, Eve, for this special evening we were able to schedule a gentleman with whom you are…ahem…familiar.”

[Eve]

(Hand raises to touch her heart.)

“Oh, God.  You didn’t.”

[Jerry Slither]

“Oh, yesssss, we did, Eve.  Here He is.  His name is unpronounceable but you’ve all seen His work!  Is He vengeful?  Is He jealous?  Is He loving?  Here to set the record straight is: YHWH!”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“What’s going on?  Camera One, do you have Him?  Two?  Three?  Somebody give me something.  Sssssshit.  Prepare to cut to next commercial.  Just do it.  On 3, 2, 1…”

[Eve]

(She is straightening her blonde curls on either side of her breasts)

[Jerry Slither]

“Eve?  Do you see Him?”

[Audience]

(The russtle of ssatiny sscales as headss turn back and forth and whissper)

[Jerry Slither]

“Eve?  Ssnerdly?  It’s like He is not here.”

[Ssnerdly, The Producer]

“He’s a goddamn no-show!”

[Jerry Slither]

“Again?!  Dammit!”

[Eve]

(Sounding bored and non chalant)

“Jerry, dear.  I have found that it is better not to believe than to curse God.”

[Audience]

(Excited wiggling, hissing and rattling)

[Jerry Slither]

“Eve, that’s why we love you ssssssso.”

(Turns to Camera One)

“Well, dear audience, our challenge still stands and that is all the time we have tonight!  Join us tomorrow when our guest will be The One Most Unclean, who is not afraid to join us anytime, yes, Ssssssatan himself will be here again!

Sssso, good night, and remember: ssssleep with your eyessss open!”

[Roll Credits]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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But, the most ancient scrolls are kept on: THE TABLE OF MALCONTENTS

 

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