System Greeting

Faun Meadows you have [eleven] unheard messages.

Message One

        Faun, it’s your mother.  Are you avoiding me?  Please call me back as soon as you get this, OK?  Love you.

Message Two

        Yo’, Faun.  It’s me.  Remember?  [laughs]  I put the ‘penis’ in ‘happiness’?  Remember?  Hey, I’m back for awhile, so if you’re ‘open’  [laughs]  let me know.  But don’t make me wait ‘too long’, y’know?  [laughs]

Message Three

        This message is for Faun Meadows.  This is The Loan Ranger dot com.  Your first ‘Fast Loan’ payment is overdue and will result in legal action unless you come current immediately.  Call me back at 1.LOANRANGER.  If you have already made this payment please disregard this message.  Have a Hi-Ho Day.

Message Four

        Faun, this is Daddy.  Your mother called.  Why are you avoiding her?  Don’t make this harder than it is.  Just because we’re getting divorced doesn’t mean that we don’t love you.  This has nothing to do with you, dear.  Call your mother, OK?  Never, never believe that we don’t love you.

Message Five

        Faun, this is Jocelyn at The Santa Ana Botanic Gardens.  Where are you?  Like, if you don’t call in today you’ll lose your job.  Come on, call me, OK?  Like, nobody really thinks you were growing that Marijuana.  Just that cunt Martina.  Call me, OK?

Message Six

        Yo’, Faun.  It’s me.  I’m at the Life Of Pie coffee shop.  Call me.  You know how I like ‘pie’  [laughs]

Message Seven

        This message is for Faun Meadows.  Please call Dr. Embarazada’s clinic.

Message Eight

        Yo’, Faun.  I can’t hold on waiting here forever.  Don’t you want to ‘come’, too?  [laughs]

Message Nine

        Faun, this is Mommy.  That boy just called here for you.  Where are you?  I thought you were with him.  Talk to me dear, please, you are making me worry.  I love you, call me.  Please.  Call me.  Come home.  Call me.

Message Ten

        Yo’, Faun.  What’s up?  Where are you?  Eveybody’s freakin’ out.  What did you have to tell me?  Hey, we can work it out, whatever it is!  Just call me, babe, call me!

Message Eleven

        Baby!  Faun!  Talk to Mommy!  Daddy called and said that Officer Vergüenza found your car at the cliffs!  Baby, where are you?  Call Mommy.  We’re sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  Call me, my baby!  Call me, please call me…  [clatter]  [sobbing]


        Hi-eee, this is Faun.  I can’t believe I’m not answering your call but leave a message and I’ll make it up to you, OK?  Bye-eee.

Message Twelve

        [silence]  I just called to hear your voice.  [click]


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